I have been born and raised to defend people I care about. If someone says bad things about my friend I will do something about it. I will defend my friend and tell them to stop. If someone tells me horrible things about my boyfriend that aren’t even true, I will tell them every single reason why their opinion is wrong. I’m not going to let something like that slide without fighting back. And quite frankly, if my friend was telling me shit about my boyfriend, there’s no way I’m going to hang out with her the next day. I thought that was just common sense and logic?
But you.. you’re doing it wrong.
Doing It Wrong - Drake
just relax, lay back, and be easy.
I haven’t written anything personal here in so long. I miss writing. I miss having the motivation to write something. I miss having ideas. A year ago from today I would wake up in the morning with purpose, intention. I would make the most of every day because I had no reason not to. A year ago I woke up to live the day. Now I wake up to survive the day. Earlier this week my teacher (also a very close friend) told me she noticed something wrong with me. I skip class, I’m late, tired, different. She used the word “self-destruct”. She said “Toby, you’re starting to self-destruct, and it makes me want to cry.” When she said that, time froze. The world stopped rotating, and all I could see was a film strip of my life. I saw happy moments, successful days, and unforgettable memories. And it hit me like a train. What have I become? How did I manage to go so downhill so quickly without even noticing. I’m graduating in less than a month!.. talk about bad timing. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This feeling isn’t killing me. But it’s beating me up and tearing me apart. It’s not making me stronger. I don’t feel strong at all actually. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders. I have never had such a hard time in all my life. But it isn’t the end of the world. I know I won’t be feeling this way for long. And a year from now, I will look back on this time. I will remember every feeling, every thought, every battle. And even though it sucks right now, I know I will eventually learn something from it. I just wish the time could speed up a little bit.
(Source: fuckyeahfilipinocuties)
(Source: fuckyeahjapanandkorea)
(Source: lovequotesrus)
Ripped.
Throughout the past couple years I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. I’ve done things which were not for my benefit. I’ve met people I shouldn’t have, and I’ve lost people I shouldn’t have. And while I’m sitting here on my mattress in my messy bedroom the middle of a snowy day, I’m beginning to discover that there have been results of every mistake I’ve made. There have been consequences and there have been benefits. There have been ups and downs. Kinda like a roller coaster. But not like the roller coaster in Final Destination 3. That movie was fucked up, I watched it for the first time a few weeks ago on vacation. The roller coaster scene is nuts. My life definitely isn’t as much of a ruckus as that. Oh man I just texted Alecia, now I’m laughing really hard. She’s funny. She knows funny things about me. She just invited me to her house. I don’t think I would be able to. Anyway, back to my life. As cliche as this sounds, a lot of my mistakes have taken place under the psychological influence of boys; boys I have liked throughout the time. I can proudly say that I have not fallen in love many times. Only twice. But I have had crushes on many boys. Like all the time actually. But they’re minor. But then there’s that occasional boy that you have a fling with and it ends up only lasting a few weeks, or even a few days.. Yeah, those boys. I hate those boys haha. Those are the ones that cause the majority of my mistakes. Woah I just had a sound trip. This music is premo. I love listening to the rhythm of songs. The transitions, the thick beats, and the silences. It helps me when I dance. The best way to choreograph a hip hop song, in my opinion, is not to listen to the beats, but to listen to the silences. I mean, of course it’s very powerful to choreograph moves to hit every beat, but it’s also extremely effective to choreograph to slide with the every moment of silence. If that made any sense at all, then I’m proud. So yeah my sound trip was just me diving into the rhythm of the music and exploring it. See, the thing is, I have some pretty bad habits. And because of those habits, I have definitely fucked up a lot in my life lol. The most I’ve ever fucked up with are boys. Because you know what my problem is? When I start to really really really like a guy, after a while I start to realize that I don’t actually like HIM, but rather my own idea of him. I like a variation of him, a variation which makes me the most satisfied. And that’s my issue. I didn’t love my last boy. I loved my idea of him. And that’s what fucked things up. He really hurt me. Like a lot. It was in the summer. And a part of me will never forgive him for what he did, but a part of me will always see him as the way I saw him in the beginning of it all. Do I miss him? Yes, sometimes. But after all, I am a girl. It’s our job to miss our exes. Would I ever go back to him if given the choice? No, I won’t. I mean he was a lot of fun, and I did have the some of the best times of my life with him, not to mention that I learned a lot from being with him, but just like many other things, he’s in the past. I’ts time to keep going now. Onto the next. He occupied a chapter of my life, and it was a good chapter. We still talk sometimes, but obviously it’s not like before. It’s quite different, actually. But at least we’re on good terms. But anyway, bottom line is it was just my idea of him that I liked so, so much. And ever since then I’ve been making the same mistake, over and over, and over again. I should probably snap some sense in my brain and stop doing what I’m doing, but I don’t know when that is going to happen. My room is so messy. Maybe I’ll clean it up tonight. Wow does this blog even make sense? I’m probably gonna get messages from people being like “wtf lolol”. I wouldn’t blame them. I have no idea what I’m trying to say in this. I’m just kinda swimming in a stream of consciousness. There’s no real purpose for this blog post. I’m just saying what comes to mind. I believe that this is a healthy thing to do. It relieves stress, and it expands your imagination. And as a bonus you can come back to this years from now and know exactly what you were thinking at this exact time in this exact day in this exact year. Now that’s an offer you can’t refuse! I actually do this kind of thing all the time. I have a little black book (no allusion or reference intended) that I’ve had for about a year and a half now and I write in it whenever I want to. It looks like this.
Yeah it’s a nice book. A nice way to let your mind out on paper. I’ve been writing in it for quite a while now, it’s nice because I can jump back to the 14th of October, 2010, and read what I was thinking on that exact day. It’s pretty cool. Whoever is reading this, I suggest you try it. It’s fun. Wow what have I been talking about this whole time. I don’t care. Reader, whoever you are, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. There’s something you need to know. A lesson from me. Learn from my mistakes. I met a guy in the summer. I fell in love with him. That’s what I truly thought. I was like “Wow, I am in love with _____.” I really did think so. And he really fucked me over. He destroyed me. And thinking about it now, I know that I did not fall in love with him. I fell in love with my idea of him. And the reason why he fucked me over so much is because I didn’t see the situation for what it truly is. All I saw was him. His beautiful eyes. And while I was distracted he completely destroyed me. He left a scar on me, a psychological scar that I will be burdened with forever. But that’s okay, at least I’ve realized my mistake. So learn from my mistakes. From a friend to a friend. Don’t do what I did. I feel like a parent now haha. Be home by 11! Lol. Wow this is a really long blog. I wonder how many people have started reading it and a quarter through they were just like “fuk dis” and clicked “Next”. Nobody is texting me anymore. Sad Panda. One thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain. Bob Marley said that. It’s an interesting thing to say. I like cool quotes like that. I would love to go to McDonald’s right now. Cheeseburger mmmmmm. I wonder how that guy from Supersize Me is doing now. He probably can’t look at a McDonald’s without feeling the urge to throw up in tin foil and eat it. <- if you know the reference from which that revolting comment is from, ten points for Hufflepuff. I like listening to Drake. His voice is soothing. And for some reason his lyrics seem really real. Like the song Marvin’s Room. It’s so blunt. And it sounds so realistic. One would think that he actually went through the things that occured throughout the song. I’m listening to him right now. One thing he says that I really like is “jealousy is just love and hate at the same time”. That makes so much sense. Gaaah nobody is replying to my text messages!!!!! Oh my god I am laughing so hard right now. I went on Facebook and it turns out Kerianne, one of my best friends, is still logged on to my computer from when she was here yesterday. I did the funniest shit on her account. She’s gonna shit pineapples. Maybe I should stop writing now. I feel like some of the things I wrote are a bit too personal for the internet. And I swore a lot. But that’s okay, swearing is natural. Swearing enhances every emotion. It’s dark in my room now. It seems like a minute ago that it was bright and sunny. Time flies. Where does the time even go? In our minds, I guess. That’s what memories must be. Used time. Dats cool. I’m texting Danika. I miss her. She made my summer awesome. Lolol Dan if you’re reading this, I miss you a lot. You make me smile. You just told me to say that you’re cool. Well Dan, okay fine you’re cool. I can see the Sheraton Hotel from outside my window. That hotel is classy. I should probably post this now. It’s really long. That’s what she said.
Confession #5
I want to fall in love in slow motion.
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